What Punishment Should I Get if I Do Something Again

As parents, nosotros know the importance of parenting from our principles, things like pedagogy our children to ain upward to their actions and face the fallout when they make poor choices.

At Empowering Parents, our parenting programs stress the importance of using effective consequences as opposed to using punishments.

Simply what, exactly, is the difference between a effect and a punishment? And why does it matter so much?

What Are Punishments?

A penalization is retribution (or vengeance) for a wrongful act. Punishment says to your child: you'd better remember like me, or else. If you don't, I will make you pay (or suffer) until you make the choice I want you to make. A punishment doesn't respect the child's right to brand a decision, even if that determination is a poor 1.

Punishments arise out of anger and fear and often wait like a withdrawal of honey in society to become the kid to do what you desire them to practise. This approach doesn't assist kids develop new means of taking responsibleness for their behavior. It can also exist destructive to the relationship.

What Are Consequences?

Consequences are the outcomes that issue from one'southward behavior. There are generally ii types of consequences: (1) natural, and (ii) logical. And both are important when it comes to your child.

Natural consequences are behavior outcomes that are not necessarily planned by anyone, they simply happen naturally. Here are some examples of natural consequences:

• Your child doesn't wear his coat outside. He gets cold.
• Your child loses his telephone. He no longer has a phone to use.
• Your child doesn't written report plenty for his exam. He fails his examination.

Logical consequences are behavior outcomes that are specifically planned past parents and other adults. Here are some examples of logical consequences:

• Your child doesn't practice his chores. You take abroad his electronics privileges until his chores are completed.
• Your child doesn't come up home by curfew. You lot take away her going-out privileges for the next weekend.
• Your child gets upwardly late for school. You make him go to bed earlier.

Why Consequences are Of import

Whether they are natural or logical, consequences assist us all to learn and abound. When kids experience the results of their actions, they learn to brand better choices and improve their behaviors. In short, consequences = learning.

Consequences communicate to your kid that their behavior is their pick and their responsibleness. Your responsibility is to help them larn how to face up the consequences and how to make amend decisions in the futurity.

Importantly, a consequence respects the child's correct to make a determination, even if it's not a expert 1. It's not a withdrawal of love or a rejection. Information technology'south a matter-of-fact learning experience in which you maintain a ameliorate relationship with your child equally yous hold him accountable.

Consequences also give us the adventure to parent from our principles instead of from a place of frustration, anger, or disappointment.

Consequences vs. Punishments: An Example

Let's look at a mutual situation to illustrate how giving a effect is dissimilar from giving a penalty. The difference is important even though information technology can be subtle at times.

Permit's say your xiii-year-quondam is out with his friends for the day and doesn't call to check-in, which you asked him to do. Y'all are angry and you basis him for a week. Is this a consequence or a penalization?

Yep, grounding him might have taught him that when you don't human activity responsibly yous tin can lose privileges. But what it didn't do is requite him an opportunity to practice being more responsible. In that sense, grounding is a punishment. Information technology doesn't teach in any way. He doesn't have a chance to earn his privileges back.

And so what would an appropriate consequence expect like in this situation? Start, ask yourself: What is it that I want him to learn?

You probably want him to learn to remember to telephone call to check-in with y'all. A consequence in this situation could exist that he is just allowed to leave with friends for an hour side by side time. And during that time he must remember to call y'all to let you know where he is. If he does this successfully, then he can return to going out for longer periods of time. If he forgets again then his time with his friends is restricted again.

What he'southward learning is that privileges (going out with friends) comes with responsibility (calling to cheque-in). What he'southward getting is the chance to practice and demonstrate to you that he can be trusted to practice as he'south supposed to.

What If Information technology's Not Working?

Of class, consequences gives your child the selection to continue his bad behavior. He may take, for a time anyway, the bad consequences of his actions. Ultimately, his behavior is upwardly to him, which is a difficult fact for many parents to accept. But, merely remember that your job is to consistently hold him answerable through consequences. The rest is upwards to your child.

When you lot are feeling exasperated with your kid's bad decisions you may desire to use increasingly extreme consequences, y'all may attempt to control him through acrimony or distance, or yous may want to give upward birthday. Resist the temptation. Just exist consequent and be sure to always follow through with the issue.

It can assistance to keep in mind the underlying reason why yous are trying so hard—you genuinely want to help guide your child. And by showing your child what they tin expect in life when they make poor choices, the consequences are actually working fifty-fifty if it seems similar they aren't.

Related content: Kids Who Ignore Consequences: x Ways to Make Them Stick

6 Tips for Creating Effective Consequences

The parents who I have worked with accept establish the post-obit 6 tips helpful in making their consequences effective.

ane. Plan

In order to provide consequences that assistance your child learn, accept your time thinking it through. Tell your child you will get back to him or her as to what the consequence will be. Remember about what it is that you lot hope he or she will acquire. What is your goal?

2. Be Consistent

You can't make your child change, but you can make sure yous consistently provide consequences when y'all see him or her making poor choices. Stick to it, despite any opposition, unhappiness or lack of noticeable alter in beliefs.

3. Focus on What You Command

Stay focused on you lot doing your task and let your kid practice his or hers. Your task is to guide your child past providing reasonable and realistic consequences. Your child'due south job is to decide how he or she volition answer to what you provide and expect.

4. Be Matter of Fact

Retrieve of providing consequences like conducting a business deal. It's about facts, not emotions. Don't have their behavior personally, which is difficult, I know. Yelling, cajoling, criticizing, and nagging won't work over the long run and will simply get yous more frustrated and upset. Focus on how yous are going to conduct, no affair how they act.

5. Accept Your Limits

When we accept that we can't brand our children carry a certain manner, we really have a greater risk of successfully influencing their behavior. When our children don't accept to employ their energy to become us off their dorsum, they volition have a clearer mind, less anxiety and be better able to brand reasonable decisions. Recall that the consequences that y'all consistently manus them will assist positively shape them.

half dozen. Use "I" non "You" Statements

Taking an "I" position is improve than taking a "You lot" position when it comes to providing consequences. Children reply meliorate when they know where their parents stand up on an event rather than when they are beingness bossed. For instance, saying "I will not listen when yous speak to me like that" delivers a clearer bulletin about what is acceptable than "You had better stop speaking to me like that."

One Last Thought Most Punishments

Punishments ship a message to children that audio like this: "If you recall for yourself and not similar me, you lot will have a toll to pay." This, of class, contradicts what most parents really want for their children, which is to raise them to be independent and recall for themselves.

Further Reading

How to Give Kids Consequences That Work

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/punishments-vs-consequences-which-are-you-using/

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